The Winding Path

Since starting this blog a little over a year ago I feel that there has been quite a lot of change in the way I think about the world and my place in it. Not to mention change in myself, which is the whole point of walking along this path. I make no apologies for not noting my progress more consistently, which is the first change I’ll mention.

In my first post I acknowledged that this blog has self-centred beginnings, but that the intention was for it to become an aid for others. That isn’t how I feel now. It is all about me, and, if I am completely honest with myself, none of what I’ve read, heard, or experienced, has caused me to feel that I should work for the greater good of all. There has certainly been plenty to make me think that I should work for the greater good of all, but the feeling has always been absent.

Now, don’t interpret that as meaning I don’t care about other people. I do feel joy when I know that I’ve been able to help someone. I like it when someone smiles at a compliment I’ve just given them. I feel good when someone tells me how my advice really helped them deal with something major. I enjoy sharing my knowledge with others, and seeing the knowledge I share illuminate an understanding which had previously been hidden to them.

But I do all of that because it makes me feel good, not because it helps them. I do it for my own reasons, regardless of others. By the standard definition that makes me selfish. And I agree with that definition. What I don’t agree with is that selfishness is the bad thing our society conditions us to believe it is. I believe the problem stems from incorrectly defining selfishness as “concerned primarily with one’s own interests to the detriment of others“. Which is not the case. A selfish act doesn’t have to harm others.

However, if I am faced with the choice between doing something which benefits me, or standing aside so that someone else may benefit instead, I won’t stand aside as I would have in the past. I won’t take something from someone else, but I also won’t let someone else eat the whole cake which, at least a portion of, could be mine.

And so whenever I’d consider what to write about next, I resisted because I was trying to think of something to tell people; a little piece of enlightenment I could grant to those who happen to read what I’ve written. I’d allowed other people’s belief that I should be helping others to distract me from my own goal of simply tracking my progress.

I believe that we are all entirely responsible for how we feel. If someone insults me I only feel insulted if I choose to take offence at their words. That doesn’t give me leave to throw insults around freely, because that would mean intentionally trying to harm others, because I know that despite their responsibility for their feelings, they will take offense. But it does mean that I won’t feel much sorrow for someone who is upset by something someone else said about them. Is it true? No? Then why are you upset? Granted we all have a lifetime of conditioning which leads us to be upset by things we don’t want to hear. That’s no excuse for surrendering to that conditioning. And if the hurtful words are true? Well, being upset is natural, but it’s not ideal. Accept your feelings, but also work towards the ideal. It doesn’t matter if you get there or not as long as you try.

I’ve become more honest with myself, and more willing to admit things about myself to others. I’ve always been willing to reveal details to others, but I would still feel embarrassment about certain things, such as not having had many romantic relationships. Now I find it easier to accept the things that I used to dislike, and feel no embarrassment when talking about them. I still do have qualities that I don’t like, but they rarely cause me to feel embarrassed.

I have strayed from the winding path, meandering bath and forth over the same spots now and again. There are a number of reasons why, but the most influencial has been sheer laziness. It has been easier to continue coasting than to put in the effort to create change. I might rationalise by saying that I don’t know which direction to take, but that’s simply because I’m too lazy to turn on the torch so I can see the path again.

I’ve begun to enjoy activities which I would previously have avoided out of fear of making a fool of myself. I’ve taken up swing dancing and tango, and even participated in a swing dancing performance in front of a few hundred people.

I’ve regained and further refined some of the analytical skills from my high school days. I’m finding it easier to determine the message behind things people say despite the words they use. Though I’m still quite capable of picking apart the words themselves. My own writing is more concise and clear, though it has much room for improvement. I’m still fairly antagonistic in my discussions, which is what I’m working to improve now (the first draft of this entry was nasty ;))

My face-to-face communication skills still need much improvement, though my confidence in that situation is much higher. And my confidence in general.

And so I have no doubt that I will continue to improve myself, though I intend to make sure my progress from this point is more consistent, and that I am more committed to it.

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This entry was posted on Thursday, April 12th, 2007 at 12:01 pm and is filed under Personal Development. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.