The Winding Path

Jason over at A Miracle A Day recently wrote an article about how to connect with anyone. In his introduction he says,

There are two levels of communication: surface and in-depth. You can learn to bypass the surface communications (the kind before you break the ice), and go straight to in-depth communication, even with strangers, if you change the way you look at others.

Please read the rest of Jason’s article first, it sets the context for this post.

My strongest, closest, most meaningful friendships have formed with people who enjoy in-depth communication. There may be a barrier at first, but rather than being a fortress wall separating us, it quickly becomes the fence neighbours lean on as they happily chat with each other, to be readily bypassed without hesitation.

While some of my friends may not have had the highest self-esteem, they were aware of this, and more importantly, desired others to see and accept them, flaws and all. Everyone else has the desire to be accepted, but most people are convinced they’ll only be accepted if others are unaware of their flaws until suitably prepared.

I’ve been drawn to people who are able to reveal details they feel are potentially disturbing, despite their fear of doing so. And usually those details are traumatic personal experiences. I can’t help but feel pity for those who would judge someone else harshly because of a painful experience inflicted upon them. Note that that sentence was intentionally ambiguous; it may be either the judger’s own painful experience, or someone else’s painful experience, which inspires their judgement.

It’s this fear of harsh judgement that prevents some of us from engaging at a deeper level. As we grow we’re assaulted by countless examples of judgement, starting with the social pecking order that develops in school and continues throughout our lives in all groups we find ourselves in. Judgement is found in the disrespectful way TV and movie characters treat each other. In the way sporting teams announced their greater skill than all others, and the way their supporters do the same on their behalf. In the way tabloids comment on everything going on in celebrities lives, usually derisively.

We see all the ways in which people judge each other, and the negative effects that judgement produces. Understandably we don’t want to suffer the same way. However, rather than fearfully hiding from judgement, we should do as Jason suggests:

The first step is to let go of your fear of opening up. Even while you still consider other people to be, well, other, you can start letting go of your fear by realizing that what you are doing is holding past hurts inside, where they still hurt, instead of letting them go. Even if you get hurt again in the future, the joy, love, and pleasure you get from all the deep connections you will find will vastly outweigh the pain.

In my experience he’s absolutely right. A few years ago I flew interstate to reveal my feelings to a girl I’d fallen in love with. I had no idea what I was doing, but I refused to let fear stop me from doing it, though that fear did make it very hard. Her surprised but sensitive let down was one of the most painfully bittersweet moments of my life. And yet we went on to form an incredibly strong, close friendship. The joy of that friendship, and of other similar ones, far outweighs all the suffering I experience, because of those friendships, or otherwise.. I doubt I’d be here if that weren’t the case.

Over time I’ve realised just how disadvantageous the common practice of slowly opening up truly is. I’ve been someone who tries to protect himself from judgement, and it truly is exhausting. It’s disadvantageous because we are never in danger as we feel we are, so the effort we expend trying to avoid that danger is wasted. Note that I’m talking about danger in the sense of emotional damage we fear judgement will cause. There are some people who are in physical danger (people forced to hide from others who might harm them, etc) for whom caution is advised, but for most of us it’s completely unnecessary.

Now while I said I do engage in in-depth communication, there are times when I fail, or people with whom it is difficult. That open and willing persona is replaced with a fearful one, one which can be hard to dislodge. This will happen from time to time; you either move on, or learn to be satisfied with interaction at a shallower level. In most cases, as long as you don’t try to keep that fearful persona in place, the connectedness Jason described will allow your more open persona to be come to the fore.

As I see it that “connectedness” is a metaphor for the similarities all humans possess. While cultural and societal influences create many differences, at the most fundamental level we all work in the same way. Our thoughts, emotions, desires, are different in detail, but viewed holistically, are identical. It’s that holistic perception which we feel as a connection. It’s not usually defined any further than that description of a feeling of a deeper connection, because doing so would require shifting the focus from the whole to the minutia. That shift generally leads to a loss of emotional impact, which can be misinterpreted as a loss of meaning.

So face your fear and let others truly get to know you, right from the start. There will be those who will judge you, but they would do so at the start, or months later. If you’re going to be judged harshly, isn’t it better to find out earlier? Then you can focus on more mutually rewarding relationships.

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This entry was posted on Wednesday, July 11th, 2007 at 11:04 am and is filed under Challenges, Personal Development. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.