Sometimes there’s a fine line between bravery and foolishness…
or unquestioned authority.
Which burns fiercest?
John over at Technology for Living recently tagged me in his post titled The Bravest Thing I’ve Done, as part of a request from Lorraine over at Powerful Living to tell everyone what gives us courage. I first encountered Lorraine’s request when Jenny wrote about the bravest thing she’s done, and I was glad that Jenny didn’t tag me because, as Lorraine mentioned is common, I haven’t really considered anything that I’ve done to be especially courageous.
But in the end it didn’t take long for me to realise that one general thing I’ve done most of my life, and what I’m continually trying to improve upon, could be considered courageous. This specific example could also be considered foolish, but I’ll leave that for you to decide. To illustrate I’ll tell you about what is the only truly illegitimate aspect of my past. Conveniently, this also allows me to reveal a little more about why I’m interested in neuroscience.
Around seven or eight years ago, right after I graduated from high school, I became involved in the electronic music scene. Electronic music had been a great love of mine since I was around 14, but it wasn’t until after high school that I got involved in the whole sub-culture, including an introduction to the world of illicit drugs. Initially I was hesitant; the media had done a good job of instilling fear of drugs in me. Yet at that age I was cynical and distrustful of the media who seemed far less reliable than my friends. But I didn’t blindly go along with my friends. I acknowledged the potential danger, but also acknowledged the apparent lack of negative consequences; my friends hadn’t suffered, as the media said they would.
I wanted to get a more complete picture of both sides of the story. Naturally, since I wanted to be a scientist even during primary school, I turned to research on the effects of drugs. I found quite a few great resources including Maps, Erowid and Lycaeum. What I found out lead to a fascination with the workings of the brain, right down to the molecular level, and I’m looking forward to learning much more when I begin studying neuroscience.
Buffered by a wealth of knowledge I prepared myself before getting too involved in drugs, doing all I’d learnt about to minimise the potential harm. While most of my experiences were amazing, I suffered the single-most mentally painful experience of my life when I tried LSD for the first time. An experience made all the worse because it was entirely self-inflicted; no one had forced it upon me and it was within my power to avoid. Once I’d recovered (which took about a month), I decided that not only was I not going to make the same mistake again, but that no-one else should need to make that mistake either. At the same time I’d found a forum which many people from the Melbourne electronic music scene frequented. It was a forum dedicated to harm minimisation, perfect for what I wanted to achieve. I joined the forum, participated in the discussions, and shared as much helpful info as I could with those exploring the world of illicit substances.
Through the forum I came across a reporter from a respected national current affairs show who was looking for people to participate in a documentary about the Australian dance music scene. I knew the tendency of those shows to highlight the negative sides of whatever story they presented, and the possibility of them using anything I said against me, but I decided to take the chance despite those fears and my great fear of public speaking. When I volunteered I also knew that it would mean revealing to my entire family that I took drugs. Not to mention my work colleagues.
My family’s reaction was ultimately supportive. My Mum cried, but both her and my Dad trusted me to not do anything which was certain to endanger myself or others. But equally importantly they respected my decision to go on TV to spread the word about harm minimisation. The huge numbers of people around the world taking drugs shows that prohibition doesn’t work. Neither does the head-in-the-sand approach. Leading by example may work, eventually, but when teenagers are surrounded by many examples of people enjoying drugs without significant consequences, examples of abstinence are not effective. Ultimately it is not drug use which does harm, but drug abuse, and there is more than enough information out there on ways to ensure use does not turn into abuse. The key to eliminating the harm through drug abuse is a multi-faceted approach which includes getting that information to those who need it. So I considered spreading the harm minimisation message far more important than what people might think of me.
So my 15 minutes of fame risked ostracising me from my family, might have cost me my job, and ensured that I’ll never be a politician. They’ll also now bar me from entering the U.S., and will possibly leave a negative impression with anyone who googles my name. So I apologise to my friends over there whom I won’t be able to visit, but I can’t claim an iota of integrity if I allowed those risks to deter me. Nor the risk of alienating many of my readers. Though at least that latter risk is small, because I respect you enough to judge me not by my past practices, especially considering where they lead me.
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October 11th, 2007 at 6:21 pm
Wow. That’s all I’m saying for now. Fine line, indeed!
October 11th, 2007 at 9:45 pm
This is proof positive of Lorraine’s premise: Often we don’t give ourselves enough credit for what we do. To have the courage of your convictions and actually speak up when it has the potential to help people regardless of the difficulties it may bring to you is a rare kind of courage these days, and I salute you for it. I can’t call this foolishness, because you were clearly aware of all the implications, and still moved forward.
Having the courage to actually write about it is also very impressive to me. When I think about this meme, it seems to be an open challenge to dig deep and display moments in our lives that we might otherwise keep buried, perhaps even moments that we might keep from ourselves. Bringing them up and sharing them with the world shows that courage, and I would like to thank you for trusting your readership with this inspiring story. I can’t speak for everyone, but my opinion of you went up a couple of notches, not down.
October 11th, 2007 at 10:45 pm
I echo John’s post Mark
Who doesn’t have things in their past they might wish they could do over or never have done at all? I do. Keeping secrets is deadly to feeling good about yourself and being real in the world. Courage to stand up for ones’s values and convictions in the face of negative ramifications and potential loss definitely takes courage. I too salute you for doing something for the experience, learning from it and using what you learned to move forward in your life. Who better to talk about something they’re passionate about than someone who has “been there and done that?”
I don’t think we give ourselves enough credit for what we do and who we are. We get so bogged down in our own dramas and judgments we forget to to acknowledge our courage to show up - to ourselves and to others.
To me, it’s all about integrity. At the end of the day, you must face yourself. I hope you like what you see in the mirror. I sure do!
Thanks for playing. This meme is going wonderful places. I’m thrilled.
Hmmm - I’m thinking of revisiting my original post and adding a bit more.
Cheers,
Lorraine
October 11th, 2007 at 11:23 pm
Oh, I should at least add that that’s a positive ‘wow’ in my first comment, and John and Lorraine have summed up my sentiments nicely. I have some questions for you, which I may save for the 20th.
October 12th, 2007 at 11:13 am
Thanks for sharing this story Mark. Although you only hint at it in this post one of the things I find the bravest about you is your willingness to stand alone if need be in both the decisions you make and the consequences of those decisions. You are not someone who is easily led - anywhere. I find your response to such a bad experience quite telling - you choose to join a forum to help other people.
Ultimately how could your parents (or your friends over here) not respect the choices you make, including sharing this story, as they are such an integral part of what makes you you.
Much respect!
Jenni
October 13th, 2007 at 10:10 pm
A very interesting post…
What is harm-minimisation? I think different people have different experiences with different drugs, and it’s almost impossible to advise upon? Any attempt to change perspective - drugs, meditation, fasting, shamanic journeying - can have negative consequences as well as positive ones?
October 15th, 2007 at 11:24 am
Thank you for your wonderful comments everyone
Suzie, harm minimisation is the perspective that those who are already involved in potentially harmful activities can benefit greatly from reduction or elimination of any harm that might occur. In relation to drug taking it’s a movement which promotes acknowledging that people are taking drugs so, while not making it easy for them we should do all we can to make sure their lack of awareness of the dangers (and simple “drugs are bad” messages do not increase awareness) don’t end up hurting them.
You’re right on both counts. Many people don’t realise that different people react differently to drugs, but also that the same person can react differently to the same drug on different occasions. Any experience which includes as much of a mental side as drugs will vary a lot depending on the state of mind and body of the person taking them.
So there are two components we can advise upon, the physical side (what effects drugs have on the body, interactions between different drugs, general advice e.g., keep hydrated but don’t drink too much), and the mental side (the importance of set and setting, psychological addiction, peer group pressure). We can’t advise on what will happen, but we can advise on what’s likely.
December 21st, 2007 at 3:24 pm
I think its great when you take opportunities to raise awareness about something you believe in. It takes courage to separate yourself from the prospect of external judgement and your own self-defeating criticism or fear. In the end, what matters is how you feel about your choices and your overall self-acceptance. This has nothing to do how people evaluate your performance. It simply begins and ends with you.