The Winding Path

John over at Technology for Living recently tagged me in his post titled The Bravest Thing I’ve Done, as part of a request from Lorraine over at Powerful Living to tell everyone what gives us courage. I first encountered Lorraine’s request when Jenny wrote about the bravest thing she’s done, and I was glad that Jenny didn’t tag me because, as Lorraine mentioned is common, I haven’t really considered anything that I’ve done to be especially courageous.

But in the end it didn’t take long for me to realise that one general thing I’ve done most of my life, and what I’m continually trying to improve upon, could be considered courageous. This specific example could also be considered foolish, but I’ll leave that for you to decide. To illustrate I’ll tell you about what is the only truly illegitimate aspect of my past. Conveniently, this also allows me to reveal a little more about why I’m interested in neuroscience.

Around seven or eight years ago, right after I graduated from high school, I became involved in the electronic music scene. Electronic music had been a great love of mine since I was around 14, but it wasn’t until after high school that I got involved in the whole sub-culture, including an introduction to the world of illicit drugs. Initially I was hesitant; the media had done a good job of instilling fear of drugs in me. Yet at that age I was cynical and distrustful of the media who seemed far less reliable than my friends. But I didn’t blindly go along with my friends. I acknowledged the potential danger, but also acknowledged the apparent lack of negative consequences; my friends hadn’t suffered, as the media said they would.

I wanted to get a more complete picture of both sides of the story. Naturally, since I wanted to be a scientist even during primary school, I turned to research on the effects of drugs. I found quite a few great resources including Maps, Erowid and Lycaeum. What I found out lead to a fascination with the workings of the brain, right down to the molecular level, and I’m looking forward to learning much more when I begin studying neuroscience.

Buffered by a wealth of knowledge I prepared myself before getting too involved in drugs, doing all I’d learnt about to minimise the potential harm. While most of my experiences were amazing, I suffered the single-most mentally painful experience of my life when I tried LSD for the first time. An experience made all the worse because it was entirely self-inflicted; no one had forced it upon me and it was within my power to avoid. Once I’d recovered (which took about a month), I decided that not only was I not going to make the same mistake again, but that no-one else should need to make that mistake either. At the same time I’d found a forum which many people from the Melbourne electronic music scene frequented. It was a forum dedicated to harm minimisation, perfect for what I wanted to achieve. I joined the forum, participated in the discussions, and shared as much helpful info as I could with those exploring the world of illicit substances.

Through the forum I came across a reporter from a respected national current affairs show who was looking for people to participate in a documentary about the Australian dance music scene. I knew the tendency of those shows to highlight the negative sides of whatever story they presented, and the possibility of them using anything I said against me, but I decided to take the chance despite those fears and my great fear of public speaking. When I volunteered I also knew that it would mean revealing to my entire family that I took drugs. Not to mention my work colleagues.

My family’s reaction was ultimately supportive. My Mum cried, but both her and my Dad trusted me to not do anything which was certain to endanger myself or others. But equally importantly they respected my decision to go on TV to spread the word about harm minimisation. The huge numbers of people around the world taking drugs shows that prohibition doesn’t work. Neither does the head-in-the-sand approach. Leading by example may work, eventually, but when teenagers are surrounded by many examples of people enjoying drugs without significant consequences, examples of abstinence are not effective. Ultimately it is not drug use which does harm, but drug abuse, and there is more than enough information out there on ways to ensure use does not turn into abuse. The key to eliminating the harm through drug abuse is a multi-faceted approach which includes getting that information to those who need it. So I considered spreading the harm minimisation message far more important than what people might think of me.

So my 15 minutes of fame risked ostracising me from my family, might have cost me my job, and ensured that I’ll never be a politician. They’ll also now bar me from entering the U.S., and will possibly leave a negative impression with anyone who googles my name. So I apologise to my friends over there whom I won’t be able to visit, but I can’t claim an iota of integrity if I allowed those risks to deter me. Nor the risk of alienating many of my readers. Though at least that latter risk is small, because I respect you enough to judge me not by my past practices, especially considering where they lead me.

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I recently wrote about a way to achieve maximum personal growth. Today I’m going to outline what you might experience while on that path. This model is based on the theories of development proposed by a few different psychologists, and most closely resembles the outline Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi presented in Flow (aff). There are many different models, and in most of them, including this one, there isn’t necessarily a smooth, predictable progression from one stage to another. Yet in my experience and according to my exposure to the experiences of others, this model is quite accurate. Of course as with any model of subjective experiences, this is a description of what might happen, but your experiences may vary.

Stage One - Physical Differentiation

Little Sarah’s needs are well met as her parents do their best to ensure she grows up to be a healthy and happy little girl. And she does, finding great enjoyment in exploring the world. Yet once in a while she stumbles (literally or not), thereby discovering that not all the world’s lessons are enjoyable.

At this stage there is a strong physical focus. You begin exploring your environment, firstly with the aid of your parents, without much self-awareness, then more and more on your own. You get great joy out of interacting with your environment, though once in a while it hurts you. It frequently becomes uncomfortable and stays that way until your parents fix it, or you learn to do so yourself. You quickly learn to differentiate between the many things you encounter and the ways you interact with them, integrating this into your view of the world.

The strong physical focus also applies to satisfaction of needs. As a baby and toddler you have little or no awareness of the effect you have on those around you when you demand that your needs be satisfied. Over time you start to become aware of this effect, but still demand that your needs are met before anyone else’s, for as long as you can get away with it. The various discomforts you feel, and your reactions to them, create the self-preserving aspects of your self, commonly referred to as your ego. Your ego often influences your decisions towards seemingly selfish ends. By the time you’ve reached early adolescence you’ve come to realise (though not necessarily accept) that everyone else has needs just as important as your own.

Stage Two - Social Integration

Sarah, not so little anymore, starts attending school, making many new friends. She spends most of her free time with them. Gradually they start to speak the same, dress the same, and of course listen to the same music. In later years they start pretending to ignore the same boys.

After high school she and her boyfriend go to university where they make new friends. She gets them interested in her kind of music, while he builds a thriving environmental activist group.

You enter this stage when you realise the importance of give and take in social interactions. In the beginning you may not be aware of the effect this give and take has, so you might unconsciously adopt the beliefs, attitudes and behaviours of those around you, while also influencing them in the same way. You further differentiate the ways you interact with people, and the variety of modes of interaction specific situations require. There is a strong social/communal focus at this stage, through which you’re exposed to a range of social and cultural norms which you integrate into your ever-growing self. Yet the self-preserving aspects of your self are still quite strong and are revealed through rebellion in response to the pressure to conform to norms which you don’t see as immediately beneficial.

Your personal focus tends initially to be on what the group can do for you, but over time you learn to see the benefit in giving, and reap the rewards of doing so. However, eventually you realise the significant impact all these influences — as well as those of the earlier stage — have had in shaping who you are. This creates a feeling of inner disturbance, which leads to the next stage.

Stage Three - Personal Differentiation

“Is this really how I want to live my life?” wonders Sarah as she struggles to fit into a new pair of jeans. For a while she’s been questioning the money she’s been spending on clothes, make up, haircuts, and all the other things which her boyfriend keeps telling her were not so important to him. She asks herself why she does it. What’s the point in spending so much time, effort and money on it? Shopping with her girlfriends used to be fun, but now she realises all the gossip they engaged in was only reinforcing negative perceptions. She’s starting to spend less and less time with those who continually complain, rather than just chatting amiably as she does with her new friends, even if they do also talk about the problems they encounter.

She’s also starting to enjoy the work involved in contributing to her boyfriend’s causes. She’s doing it now because the wants to, because she truly understands the benefit she’s providing, not just to herself, but to the whole world. She’s no longer doing it because she thinks she should.

Awareness of the impact of external influences leads to the inward focus of this stage, in which you greatly increase your self-awareness through introspection. You realise that a vast number of the beliefs you hold, which shape the way you think and act, have been imposed on you by others. Some you accepted readily, others you may have struggled against before eventually yielding. But you don’t accept that influence any more, and begin a process of figuring out what you truly believe, discarding what you no longer agree with. You waver and go through periods of self-doubt as the act of discarding certain beliefs threatens to undermine the foundation of the self you fought to protect in earlier stages.

It’s at this stage that the greatest degree of differentiation occurs, as you become more and more individualised. Gradually, through a process of careful consideration and selection of beliefs, attitudes, and associated behaviours, you head towards self-realisation and a self-assurance which leaves no doubt as to your place in the world. You develop a confidence in your ability to not only cope with, but enjoy all that the world has to offer. Yet at this point you know the world only has something to offer because there are agents doing that offering. What part do you play?

Stage Four - Universal Integration

Sarah, now married, adopts her husband’s environmental goals, finding them in perfect alignment with her values and principles. Her commitment, passion, and certainty helps him immensely in times when he experiences the self-doubt from which she is now free. Sarah is often criticised for what she’s doing, by people who either believe that the environment is not in danger, or that her approach won’t have any effect. However, more often than not her willingness to listen, even when insulted, and her calm, thoughtful consideration of what is said, results in her critic being convinced of the value in her point of view.

Awareness and assurance can help you to grow indefinitely, but so long as your focus remains on yourself your growth is limited. However, your awareness and assurance is crucial to your progression past this stage, because here, once your awareness is turned outwards, you will feel a stronger connection to those around you. You have a much greater ability to recognise and acknowledge both similarities and differences, and the value in both. Neither similarities nor differences will bother you because of your increased self-assurance, and that degree of self-assurance means you no longer feel the need to spend as much time in introspection. Your efforts will naturally shift towards the world around you, particular to other people.

Counter to the previous stage, and acting to bring balance to your self, this stage involves the greatest degree of integration. You’re able to more fully devote your attention to the values and principles of others, immersing your highly individualised self into the world, working with it not only for your continued development, but in aid of the development of everyone and everything around you.

Summary

So there you have an outline of the stages you might go through (or may already have gone through) as you focus on personal development. The shifting focus inward and outward, the movement between doubt and certainty, and the combination of differentiation and integration, are all key to your growth. There are many things which may stop you at one particular stage before stage four, or you may jump back and forth between stages, but so long as you’re committed to personal growth, you will eventually get there. And you may not even stop at stage four.

There are many parallels between this model and Jason’s Five Levels of Awareness, and while they do differ, I consider them to be complimentary.

What do you think? Does this model reflect your experiences? Which stage are you at? Are there any stages after stage four? I’d love to hear from you.

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A little discussion has been going on over at two blogs that I recently came across, on the topic of “thinking outside the box”. Dawud Miracle prompted the discussion by asking "Are You Thinking Outside The Box?" Alex Shalman responded by considering a slightly different question, "Can You Handle Yourself Outside The Box?"

As if that weren’t enough, it became even more interesting when Dawud responded by re-framing the topic with this explanation of why you’ll never get out of the box.

I started to reply to both Dawud and Alex in their comments, but I quickly saw that each reply would become too lengthy and repetitive, so I’ve combined them here.

In Dawud’s first post he wrote about being outside the box himself, and about seeing the box “not as a prison, but as a container”.

…once I was outside the box, I was free. I could run, dance, play all I wanted. There were no boundaries, only wide-open spaces. No responsibilities, no deadlines, and no structure. Just unabated freedom.

…

After a short time, however, I got board [sic]. I started looking back at the box. I moved slowly toward it. And when I got near, I peered inside. I realized the box wasn’t that bad. It provided structure and boundaries that made me productive. It also gave me sense of purpose since I was responsible for my clients, my family, myself.

Dawud seems to be referring to the boundaries to experience set up by our self- and society-imposed limitations. The message he seemed to try to convey was that those limitations can be good, helping us in our daily activities and relationships.

Alex took that a step further. By asking “What philosophy could we adopt in order to remain as out of the box thinkers?” he was effectively asking how to continue to think in ways which didn’t consider those limits to be static.

However, I do think Alex may have been a little off the track Dawud was following by referring to the box as a comfort zone:

We’ll define the box as a structured, confined, habitual environment that offers security and comfort. Within this realm of thought, you live each day as the day before, you work towards an established goal, by doing what you did before. Besides for the confinement aspect, this doesn’t seem to be too bad of a deal. Well, maybe not.

One way of thinking will lead you to the conclusion that staying within your box, and your comfort zone will not only prevent you from growing, but prevent you from discovering new ideas. Dawud gets that “you have to think outside your norms to find change.� However, he still takes comfort in being within the box.

Dawud’s depiction of the box was as something which provided structure, but also guidance and purpose. Not necessarily comfort. However, I can understand why Alex would define the box that way. That’s how many people treat their regular patterns of thought; as a way of ensuring their own self-protection. They stay in the comfortable familiar realm of routine because it’s easy. Thinking outside the box requires effort.

Nonetheless it seems Alex and Dawud both used the box metaphor as an abstraction of our approach to our common attitude towards life and growth. Alex acknowledged and then moved beyond inside-the-box thinking, instead focusing on growth (remaining as “outside the box” thinkers). Dawud did exactly the same by acknowledging that growth requires noting our limits and striving to stretch them (expanding the walls of the box).

In Dawud’s second post, commenter Quint said Dawud was making too much of the “outside the box” metaphor, which I agree with. If you’ve read my previous post you may see the parallels between what I wrote, and the concept of acknowledging our limits and striving to stretch them. That’s what personal growth is about.

So in summary, there are limits, they are self-imposed (whether they come from within or from society or our environment, as long as we maintain them they’re self-imposed) and if we want to grow we must (and can) stretch them.

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